I hate titles.....

Happy Thursday.

Yesterday....

My to do list was much longer then my energy level. But I tried to muddle through and try and get some things accomplished.
 

( I don't think a whole day getting caught up on my new favorite show meet the midwives would be very wise....fun....but not wise )

So I made plans to carve pumpkins.

Which lead to roasting pumpkin seeds.

I made pizza dough for calzones. 

 

Let me rephrase that.... Attempted to make pizza dough for calzones. I accidentally left out a whole cup of water to the bread machine.... Needless to say... I still had a whole lot of flour mixed with a little bit of gobbly goo at the bottom.

Not very appetizing.
 

Thankfully Walmart carries Pillsbury pizza dough already made. ;) 

In all this chaos, I was still able to make an apple pie ( I attempted the lattice crust, it didn't work so well. ( Rabbit trail.... My crust hasn't been turning out so well lately. It's either to sticky or to dry... I try to fix it but it just gets worse)) and a pumpkin pie.
 

On a completely different subject..... Have you ever been just kinda blown away when you find out someone's true nature or when you find out how very fake and selfish they really are down to the very core? Right now I have a choice.... To by Christ like and try and respond in love and respect or......to..... To stuff the hurt down deep and pretend like I don't know or don't care.

I'm a stuffer by nature yah know. 

I pray I make the right choice. 

Bc really.... This life I live isn't about me. That's what I am learning.... It's about Christ in me. 

My advice

My best advice:

To the new mother;

You are going to have days when you feel on top of the world and you feel like you have this mothering thing down.

You are going to have days when you are on the bottom of the barrel and you will feel like you just can't do this, and why anyone would entrust children to you is beyond comprehensible.

People are going to make comments. good or bad. But they will. Sometimes they won't even be a bad comment, but it will be an off the cuff remark, that you will take so personally and you will feel like a failure.

But please.

Let me tell you something.

You are doing a swell job.

You are.

Your house may not be perfectly clean bc you have children running right behind you making an even bigger mess then what you just cleaned up.

And it is in that moment that you will have an unexpected visitor.

Don't let their judgment bother you.

Please.

Your children are fed.....sometimes even with a home cooked meal.

They are clothed....with clean clothes, even if you did pull them out of a laundry basket and you didn't have time to fold them.

They are nourished not only with food but with something more important. Time and love.

You will always see other "perfect" mothers who wear a size 2 and have immaculate homes, perfect hair and always have treats in the pinterest worthy cookie jar.

But they are struggling just like you.

With something.

You will always see that older mother....who just "never did it THAT way" but you know what....time... time sometimes makes you forget exactly how you did it or makes you forget the days where you can barely get the floor swept, laundry started or even use the potty bc of the screaming toddler demanding your ever living moment.

Or maybe older mothers just sort of simply block out those days because they did all they could just get through the day.

I think we only remember the good stuff.

We sort of block out the bad days. Those days we only get through by the grace of God. And we never want to look back.

To the older mother:

Don't judge.

Don't make the snide off the cuff remarks.

They aren't helpful.

Ever.

Your remarks aren't helpful, they are demeaning and hurtful.

Your job is to help build up the younger mother and to teach her in love and grace.

So be that example of love and grace.

If you see a mother struggling...help the blessed soul. Really, take time to see what might help her. Take her family a meal, offer to watch her children so she can get some house work ( or take a nap if the exhausted soul feels like it. )

Please remember that that young mother really is trying her hardest, and all she needs is a word of encouragement. Her job is endless. You were there once too.

To the mother who's children wears socks and keeps them on.....good for you. You have now been nominated for mother of the year.

And if your child was actually ready for picture day with their teeth brushed AND hair combed AND the picture form all filled out......

Then you win.

To me:

I have taken myself out of the competition. I don't want to be the best mother in the world. I dont' want the most pinterest worthy cookie jar with the most artistic cookies.

I just want to be the mother that I am intended to be. That's a big enough goal for me. I have a hard enough time keeping up with myself and 3 kids and 2 stinky, stupid dogs...I don't have time for trying to define what your comments mean.

I am trying.

Some days I succeed.

Some days I fail. Miserably.

But the grace in it all is that His mercies are new every morning.

I must now go....Emma is throwing a fit bc I won't give her chapstick. The laundry will wait, the dishes will wait....but Emma will not.

Happy Weekend

What did your weekend look like??

Emma spent time in prison... I mean coloring while everyone was busy Saturday Morning.

The older kids got caught up on folding laundry, (They LOVE this job!)  while I cleaned the house.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has 3 baskets at a time to fold?

I made time to do my work out video.

We went on a date....I mean we tried to go on a date, but ended up taking the kids.

It wasn't quite as romantic. But we had a nice family dinner. I was pleased bc Emma is at that tough stage where you really debate going out to dinner. But she was kept entertained and the waitress was quick. So it turned out well. ( I did take a picture of J and I on our date, but he hates the picture, so I was asked to take it down. I am obviously submissive. lol )

 

I made Morning Glory Muffins.  I figured anything with shredded carrots and apples and pineapple would be semi healthy and therefore good for me. ( I chose to ignore the fact that it had like 2 cups of sugar in it. ) I of course omitted the raisins....bc well....raisins are gross.

 

I rearranged the living room. ( I got these little cuties as a wedding favor from J's cousin's Bens wedding. )

Again.

Can you see Nathan and his friends in the very corner of the above picture?? They thought it would be great fun to play in the street and try and play tricks on cars. I quickly put an end to that little game. *pats self on back* ;)

Grandma called Maddie and surprised her today by taking her shopping. She modeled her new outfit for us. (Why she stood on the chair....I will never know....)

Emma took a blessed 3 hr nap. When she woke up she relaxed while watching us rearrange the living room.

Doesn't she look pathetic?

 

 

We didn't have a set dinner time tonight.

Jeremy had made a big pot of chili for lunch (which was delicious) so we all just kinda ate when we felt like it for dinner. Nathan stole a couple min to grab some dinner while playing with the neighbor kids.

Notice the finger nail polish on the table?? My friend Liz inspired me to try blue finger nail polish. I picked blue, Maddie picked grey. Sorry Liz, I think I like the grey better. ;)

Now it is Sunday night, and I am looking at another week ahead of me. Here's hoping you all have a great week!

What happens when women say yes to God.....

I don't know how many of you know this, but for the past 3 months I have been trying to lose weight. I have given myself over to counting the dreaded calories keeping them to 1222 which was what my app said to do and exercising. I have chosen biking to be my favored form of exercising.

I enjoy biking. I really do.

My Dad gave me his old bike, and I have put it to good use. We were given a child carrier and Emma and I have ridden. Miles. Thankfully she likes it. ;)

I have been so very frustrated that all this working out just didn't seem to be helping. After a conversation I overhead and totally butted in on at church, I was told to increase my calories by about 500 and add a lot of protein. She thought I wasn't eating enough.

So I did. I increased my calories and added protein.

I am thankful for that lady. Because I no longer feel like I am going to stab somebody in the eye with a fork out of hunger anymore. I feel more satisfied, and feel like I can make it now between snacks and meals.

The 1st 2 months I admit I would cheat here and there. But I thought ......goodness, just giving up soda and ice cream and incorporating exercise into my day should be enough to kick start some weight loss.

I have lost a total of 5 pounds.

This past month, I was on it. I tried my ever living best. I even started having daily dates with Jillian Michaels.  But the pounds did NOT come off. In fact not a single ounce had come off. I know what some of you are thinking....well muscle weighs more then fat....blah blah blah....my clothes still fit the same and I was done with the whole blasted thing. Done I tell yah.....

This past Friday was my official weigh in day for myself. I walked away almost in tears. I felt like I have been killing myself.....for what?? To not lose anything?? To still be stuck at the same size as I was when I would eat anything I wanted. To me it seemed hopeless.

I am so thankful that I have a God who listens to his children....and not only listens....but then does something that only he can do.

You see.....after JP fixed our laptop, I found this picture online and I put it as the backdrop to my laptop. I immediately fell in love with the bike. I loved the color, I loved the little basket on it.

It was just beautiful to me.

The women in our church just finished a bible study called What happens when Women say yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst

Good study.

In one of the beginning weeks, one of my friends Jennifer in my small group said that she felt that God was prompting her to give away her bike. Her new bike. Her treasured bike that she had purchased for herself because she loved it. She loved the way she felt when she rode it.

But she felt the gentle tugging on her soul that God was telling her to give it away.

This past week in our study, Lysa really stressed that if you felt God was telling you to do something then to take the steps to do it.

So on Friday, Jennifer, after being reminded to give her bike away, took pictures of it and posted it on facebook. And said...hey, I'm giving this bike away, anyone want it?

Friday night, I jumped on facebook real quick while I was running errands and saw her post. I said...hey sure I'll take the bike....not really thinking anymore of it.

Later that night after I got home, I checked facebook and I had a message from Jennifer saying that I wanted the bike it was mine. We made plans for me to come pick it up the next morning.

I shut my internet down and I saw the background of my laptop.... and low and behold I saw this teal bike staring at me. And I thought....no way......NO WAY!!!!

Because you see......

This is the bike that I was given......A most beautiful teal bike. With not only a beautiful basket, but also a cup holder on it.....just because God could.

This story might not impress anyone else in the world. And that is fine with me. But it not only impresses me....it stopped me in my tracks. I was floored. Only my God could have done that.

And I heard gently in my soul My child do not give up..... to continue on this slow process of losing weight.

 

Today, I pray for my friend Jennifer......that God richly blesses her. I pray that God opens up the floodgates of heaven and shows her something only He can do. She allowed God to use her to not only bless me but encourage me. She is a woman that says YES to God. I want to be like that.

 

So now my friends....I am off to ride my God-bike.

My StOrY.....My HiS - tory

For some time, I have been pressed to write my story. At first I thought right....why in the world would I want to do that. I came up with every excuse in the book.....what would I write? I don't really have anything exciting to say.... No one would even want to read it.

And for a while I didn't even think about it. But. It kept coming back to me. And coming back to me.

My Story.

So here I sit.

Still not quite for sure what to write.

I was born one cold winter's day. I actually don't even know what time I was born. I think it was late. I think I will have to call my mother. I am sure that she will remember. ;) I am  the 4th child of a family of 6. My mother was told and thought that I was a boy. All the way up until I was born did they think I was a boy. I think my parents were shocked to have another girl. My mother has told me that everyone in my family was sick that year at Christmas. My Dad was sick...like flu sick driving my mom to the hospital. But I guess he was a trooper. lol.

My birthday is 2 days after Christmas. I think growing up I always thought that was pretty special. I waited all year....and then I got Christmas AND my bday.

I  am the daughter of a Pastor.

I of course remember myself being a good kid. I had a best friend who I just remember always being there. We grew up in the nursery together. She was the jelly to my peanut butter sandwich, she was the root ( I actually just typed toot, which would still be very fitting....right Erica??) to my beer. The chili to my dog. I think you get the point. We were inseperable.

When I was about 5 I asked Jesus into my heart. I knew I didn't want to go to hell. I knew that Hell was scary and bad and that by asking Jesus to come into my heart, that by doing that, I wouldn't have to ever go to hell. I remember being baptized. For who but my friend Erica was getting baptized the same night. I remember being downstairs at our church in white little slips waiting to go upstairs to be baptized. So Erica and I, scared to death, faced that together.

I don't remember much about my young years. I remember riding on the back of my Dad's bike, which is the same bike I ride now with Emma on the back. A special thing for me.

I have a memory of me and my Mom standing in my parents bedroom, sun was shining, it was a beautiful spring morning. She had the windows open, and she had on a red wrap around skirt. Her blond hair was up in a bun. I was hugging her legs. I think I remember this bc I was happy.

I remember once getting up early. My dad was up, reading his bible at the kitchen table, the older kids must have been getting ready for school. We used to have some kind of gas heater in the kitchen, and I remember laying in front of it and falling asleep. I think I remember this bc I felt safe.

As I said, I remember being a good kid. ;) Well....that is up until I hit my early teenage years. I was, like any teenager, struggling to find where I fit. Where I belonged. I searched in every wrong place. I wanted to "fit in." I started to run from everything that I had known.....why....I don't really know. I felt like I was searching for something. Something better. Something different then what I was being taught.

I felt like everyone was a hypocrite. I had all these questions, but felt like no one took the time to give me the answers. People saw what they wanted to see. They didn't look past the stupid teenager into the person who God saw me to be. They judged and I ran. Ran right into a world where I thought I would find the answers. And search I did. I wanted to know what every joke meant. I wanted to know what every look meant. I wanted to KNOW. I didn't want anyone making fun of ME for being a naïve little pastors daughter.

Oh yes. Answers I got. Lessons I got about questions I asked and questions I didn't ask. Older kids were all to eager to tell me what I wanted to know.  I learned things a teenager  person should never ever know.

Yes, I ran.

But what I was running from wasn't really parents. It was from God.

Bc you see, I don't think I really was saved at that little age of 5. I maybe believed out of fear. But I didn't believe out of a desire to know who the One true God was.  That wouldn't come till many years later.

When I was 15 we moved from everything that I ever knew. From everything that I was every comfortable with. We moved from my best friend. God in his divine wisdom knew I needed something different.

It was all in God's plan.

I was moved from the public school and put into a Christian school. That was a hard adjustment for me. Hard adjustment is putting it lightly I think. I am grateful, so grateful for some of those friends that just loved me through it once I moved up here. Hannah and Sarah and Dayna and Cara and who could forget Beth....no our relationships weren't perfect....bc what teenage relationship is. But they were there.

When I was 17 I went to summer bible camp with our teen group. Thursday night, I knew I needed to be saved. So I walked down that aisle and found a leader and asked Jesus into my heart. I knew that what I was running from all those years was God and that I was making a mess out of everything. I was miserable. I knew I needed to begin to run to someone who could actually make a difference in my life.

And he did. I began to allow God to change me from the inside out.

The hard part was....knowing that I was "different", knowing this change had happened in my heart, but having "people" still treat me the same. I really struggled with what I saw in the Christian circle. The hypocrisy. The lack of love. The judgementalness. I think that's what I was truly running from for all those years. And honestly still am running from.

That next spring, while working my part time job at our local department store, I saw the cutest guy I had ever seen. I remember the 1st time I saw him. He was walking back to his station from the dock. He didn't have a clue who I was and didn't even look at me that day. But I just remember thinking how dreamy he was.

A couple months later, while working in the men's department, we ended up working the same shift. About mid shift, a lady that was working named Jackie, came over to me and asked if I would go on a date with this guy. I told her that he needed to come over to me and ask me himself. I think he finally got the courage and finally came over and talked to me. We found out how much we had in common. And we ended our shifts with a promise that he would call me.

Now all this time, I knew that I was 17. I didn't actually know how old he was at that time. But I knew my parents rules on dating.

And you see I had already broken that rule once and that didn't turn out to well for me. Knowing that I had made this decision for follow Christ also meant be submissive to my parents. So I knew that they would have to be in on this whole relationship from the very beginning. I sort of gave it up to God, right there on the car ride home. I would submit and what would be would be.

Well, that dreamy guy did call me that night. And we talked for EVER.....

I finally found out how old he was. You see he was 22. 5 years older then me. I thought my parents would go bananas over that. And I had a choice once again to be honest or to lie. I remember talking to Jeremy that night. I told him that I didn't think my parents would let me date him bc he was so much older then me. I told him I was going to go talk to them but that might be the last time we could talk. I knew in my heart that I would do whatever they said.

My parents were in their room when I finally found the courage to tell them. I remember walking up the stairs. Terrified about what would happen. But I was honest. And they were to. They said that they would have to pray about it. The next morning they said we could go ahead and be "friends"

I was over the moon.

Jeremy and I had very similar backgrounds. He came from a good Christian family. And he was a professing believer himself. Which were important to my parents.

 Friends didn't last long though. LOL No, we were engaged my senior year of high school. I knew I wanted to be his wife. I think people thought I was crazy. No. I am sure they thought I was crazy...not going to college.....settling down so fast.....that will never last.....she's to young!! She doesn't know what love is. These are things I heard. But I knew in my heart....what I wanted to be....was a wife and a mommy.

So the fall after I graduated high school, we were married. We lived in a little duplex in the town he grew up in.

It was an adjustment I think to be married. But we were on cloud 9. Those year happy years together.

I worked at an insurance company and he was going to school to be a plumber.

We would go to church on occasion. We used the excuse that we couldn't find "our Church" but honestly....I don't think it was important to us at that time.

We finally did start going back to church after about 3 years. I know I missed it. I think we felt a pulling to find a church.

We found a little church about 30 min south of us. The best thing to come out of that church was my friend Sherrie. I saw her sitting up at the front playing the piano, blond hair bopping away and I knew we would be friends. And friends we are. She has gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life. I hope I am half the friend to her that she has been to me.

A year after that we had our little Maddie. Talk about an adjustment. That was a tough one for me. Maddie was a dream come true. But I was selfish to the very core.....The thought of not sleeping never occurred to me. That 1st night home from the hospital with this little baby...I thought...ok...it's bedtime. And she was like it's what?? Yes, that was one rough night for me.

4 months later we were pregnant with Nathan.

6 months later we moved into our house

We started faithfully attending Jeremy's uncles church. We went....bc that's what you do. You go to Church on Sundays.

3 months later Nathan was born very sick. Very sick

Thankfully God chose to heal our little Nathan and he came home from the hospital a month later.

Those next years were not great years for me. They were hard years. I was lost in this constant pull of selfishness and having to give my time to these little babies who needed me oh so much.

I did not lean on the one who could help. I tried to fight through this time my  own way. I always felt the gentle pulling of God speaking to me to get me into his word. And sometimes I would. I would go in waves of reading my bible but never really grasping what it was saying.

Eventually we went to church bc we wanted to be there. It was finally our Church, and we went because we wanted to, not because our parents were making us.  We also really enjoyed our group of friends.

I think God was in my head, but hadn't quite made it down to my soul yet. I knew a set of rules and what I should do....but a deep relationship and a desire to know him wasn't quite there.

Those early years with the kids passed so quickly. The days dragged, but the years..... flew.

Soon it was time for the kids to start school.

We had to face the challenge of public verses private schools. Private school won out. I knew we couldn't afford it if I didn't work at the school, so I looked into it, and was offered a job as a teacher's aid.

I am thankful for the years that I worked at school. They were hard years for some reasons and good years for some reasons. I learned a lot about myself and who I did not want to be. I saw a lot, I heard a lot, and I learned a lot.

rabbit trail ~ (Know what I struggled with most?? I struggled with going to work day in and day out and giving myself to my job... I mean all of myself, that I had nothing left to give my family. I think that my kids suffered bc of that. That is something that is still hard for me. I still work a part time job, but it takes everything out of me. At the end of the day, I go home drained and spent. And yet still have the full time job of being a wife and mother and have nothing left to give. I don't regret either working at the school, or working at my current job, bc I KNOW that God has me there, that He placed me there. But how in the world do I juggle both?)

Those years.....made me yearn for something more. Something bigger then what I was seeing. I was taught that God only worked in this little box that we place him in. I dug into my bible. I finally had a burning desire to really KNOW for myself who this God of the universe was. What he wanted from me and where I fit into the picture.

I think the turning point in my relationship with God was when we were in our car accident. I remember the days following the accident that I didn't know how to handle anything. The only place I knew to turn was to God.  And I did. I opened the Bible, and the verses just jumped off the pages. It was like the God of heaven stopped for a moment and I was entered into his very presence.

And from then on, I wanted more of that. I still do.

Morning after morning I would sit in my chair and it would be God and Me and my journal. I would sit and pour my heart out to him. I would give him my questions, my hurts, the things I just couldn't understand. The things I saw that just never added up to what I was reading in the word. It was the 1st time I really knew what it was to have a relationship with MY God. He talked to me and I talked to him. He became so very real in my life.

One of the things that I worked out with God was my desire to have a baby. We had been trying (not preventing) having a baby. I knew I had this desire, I had this feeling that my family wasn't complete, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why we couldn't get pregnant. For years we tried. And month after month it got harder for me. After years.....I was finally able to come to the point where I wanted God more then I wanted a baby. And that if it wasn't His will, then I didn't want it. I could not only say that to Him, but mean it. It took a long time and a lot of tears to get to that place.

Then one day, after struggling to lose weight, I found out I was pregnant. 7 years of trying. When I had finally given up the fight. But then God...... and you all have met Emma. :)

I feel like my story.....my journey with God isn't over......it's just beginning....

God has moved us from that comfortable little church to a new church. Jeremy and I have no doubt in our minds that was God's handiwork. God knew our hearts and where we were in our walk with him. God saw fit to move us. I miss our old church family though terribly. We were loved and we loved there.

This past summer has been such a changing summer for me. I feel a mixture between being made new and having been ran through the cleaners.

I am not writing this with the attitude that I have now arrived to some destination. In fact, I feel far from that. God used this past summer to show me some areas of my life where I am seriously lacking and where I need to give some things up. He brought me to my knees and opened my eyes for my deep seated need for him daily in my life. To not settle for a set of rules and a church pew on sunday relationship like so many people settle for.

I asked God once to tip my box upside down of what and who I think He is. He is doing that for me. What a ride it has been.

I read this quote recently in a bible study that I am doing.....

I remind myself often that people don't care to meet Jesus until they meet the reality of Jesus in my life.

It has stuck with me.

I think that there is much truth to this. I think people shut their ears when you start talking about Jesus. But when you start talking about how Jesus is real to you....I think people will listen to that better. Maybe I have it all wrong.

What I do know.....

~ is that my desire in life.....is to be used by God. In whatever He sees fit.

~  that this road may not be easy, that at times it will be so very difficult, that the only thing you will know to do is to drop to your knees.....but it will always be worth it. Always my friend.

~ that He has called me higher. (if you haven't listened to this song....you should)

~ that God still has many imperfections that He will refine out of me.....and in his time, and his way, he will do it.

~ is that I want to say YeS when he speaks. I want to live in radical obedience.

You know that part about how I ran to the world and tried to learn all that it would teach me?? One of the biggest regrets of my life.

I challenge you to write your story, it's harder then you think, but as you sit back and think, you will see God's handiwork all over your life and it will be worth it. If you do, somehow, please tag me, so I can read your story as well.

The post I didn't want to ever write.....

I have written this post 100 times over and over again in my head. But it never sounds right. It never seems to give her due justice.

You see, almost 2 months ago, I lost my dear friend. It was all so sudden. The last time I talked with her, I knew she wasn't feeling well, but she was so excited bc Jason was going to go visit her. And she knew that would lift her spirits. 2 weeks later she was home from Arizona and a week later she was dead.

Dead.

After I heard the news that things were bad.....nothing in the world could have prepared me for when I walked into that hospital room. Gone was my vivacious, fun-loving friend. But instead......a very sick and dieing woman lay. Even still, on her death bed, she was filled with such peace. I think she knew that she would be meeting her Savior, and while she was sad that she was leaving her friends and family, she was meeting JESUS.

I remember the last real time I saw her. I took her to her chemo appointment, and was able to spend the day with her. She slept most of the time, and that was ok with me. It was nice to just be with her. To know that my presence was a source of comfort to her.

We laughed about the book I was reading. We cried over the situation that she was facing. We shared our hearts. You see, that's what we did.

I met Lori, goodness......7 - 8 years ago now?? Wow. We worked together for 6 years. 6 good years. In that time, we coached volleyball together, we coached cheer leading together, we watched each other grow to love God and our husbands more and more.

Lori taught me to LoVe coffee. She always had her coffee mug with her.

She taught me to love JH kids. She really did love that age group. So many people see that age group as an annoyance and almost they are another species....but she had a genuine heart for them. She treated them each with dignity and respect. And those kids KNEW she loved them.

She tried to teach me to love sushi. It didn't work. ;)

She taught me to love hats and scarves.

She taught me to love antiquing.

She taught me that kindness matters.

She was a classy woman. She loved everything feminine. Little earings and trinkets and broaches. She loved bracelets......she loved feeling like a woman. She taught me to embrace that.

We talked so much about God and what he was doing in our lives. We would talk about our frustrations and our struggles.

She new my desperate struggle to have a baby. You see she could relate to it. She knew and could FEEL my pain. She was the 1st person I told when I was pregnant with Emma. How we cried and rejoiced. Even though she knew at that point that she would never have a child of her very own, she rejoiced with me. And I wept for her.

We would spend hours talking about nothing and everything. Sometimes Jason would come and just sit with us. And sometimes, it was just the 2 of us. What precious memories those are to me.

How do you say goodbye to your friend?

Sometimes....I want to yell and scream bc she can't possibly be gone. I just want to talk to her one more time. So many times I will catch myself reaching for my phone bc I know she will find humor in....whatever.....

But then I remember.....

How do you say it?

I remember walking into her hospital room, knowing that without God himself intervening on her behalf she would soon be gone. How do I face her precious husband....who was her very world......and offer comfort when I myself am searching for comfort? But with Jesus on my lips and prayer in my heart, I walked in, and faced my goodbye......but not quite a goodbye.....for you see......I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WILL see her again. For she is a child of the KING. She accepted him as her personal savior and because of that I will get to spend eternity with her.

Her legacy is one of strong faith, and a willingness to accept whatever God had for her here on earth. She never ONCE in my presence complained about her circumstances. And she had HARD days. But she was the face of grace. Calmly knowing that Gods strength was her strength.

I picture her now.....cheering us on. Looking down on us....her loved ones.....and just cheering us on. Saying You can do this life. I know this situation seems hard.....but you will make it. That God's strength will be your strength.

I think of my Lori each and every day. She is rarely far from my mind. I think of Jason and the loss and heartache that he is surely facing. I pray for him daily. That he knows Gods presence and comfort in these months and years to come.

It's not goodbye......

It's I'll see you later friend.

 CaNcEr SuCks

Life and Peace

Hello there.

Has anyone else noticed how silent my blog has been? I have noticed, but have ignored it.

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, its well.....I didn't know how to say it or where to even begin. How to even describe what is going on in my head and my heart.

So I was silent.

And I still don't quite know if I will get the words right, or if at the end of this it will be anything even remotely to what I wanted to try and say.....

But here goes.

God.

A 3 letter word that means......so much.

And this God, has been wiping the old away in my life. He has been truly killing the old self, and molding me into something completely different. Something completely new. And with all humbleness, hopefully something more like him.

I feel like that tiny little seed that has been buried in the ground and then slowly, finally after a long winter, there is a little bit of green popping up. And it has turned from a tiny little seed into something new, something fresh.

My verse that I have clung to is this:

2 Corinthians 4: 7-8

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

This summer has been a summer of affliction. It seemed we were hit on all sides,  one thing after another. At one point, I didn't even know if I could lift my head. I have been perplexed, and I have been struck down. But God in his graciousness taught me that He was the lifter of my head. He was my strength.

Psalm 3:3  But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

I can't tell you exactly how, but through prayer, and BEGGING God to.........to show himself, to teach me.....to pour his love onto me......somehow.....He did.

I think through all this.....stuff......God has wanted one thing from me.

To die daily to myself.

And it has been death to get me to that point.

I have spent many many phone conversations, texts and emails with my dear dear friends talking this thing out.....

what it means to die to oneself so that God may be gloried in you.

I STRUGGLED.....with this......

Romans 8:5-6

For those who live according to flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit set their minds on the things of the spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

To set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

Don't we all want life and peace????

This summer.....was not life and peace.

I wanted none of it. I would have chosen not ONE thing this summer to have to go through.

This summer was death and war.

But the bible says.....to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

I wanted.....no I want.....life and peace.

But more then even that, I want to be led by the Spirit.

God certainly has a sense of humor.

Everywhere I have turned these past months, I have been bombarded with.....dieing to self......so that Christ may be magnified. To say YES.....to whatever God has for me. To be available. To be an ambassador for Christ. (I just started a new bible study at church and it is called.....what happens when woman say yes to God. Yes. I believe God is trying to tell me something.)

I don't know what He wants from me. There isn't a huge sign saying......Julie, this is what you are to do with the rest of your life. But for now....I think he just wants to know if I am willing.

I still don't necessarily have an answer about how living in the spirit is life and peace.

I ran across this quote in a bible study I did this summer.....

I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned....are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?

Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter....A quiet heart is content with what God gives. ~ Elisabeth Elliot, Keep a Quiet Heart

Love it.

A quiet heart is content with what God gives.

Good or bad.

Death or War.

I will be content.

This is what I know......

That I want to follow hard after God.

That I want to have a relationship with the God of the universe. The God who loves me and knows me by name. That the God of the universe, is the lifter of my head and the one who sings over his children.

I know that I want to have a heart that says Yes to Him. That I will see those around me and be burdened that they may lost and spending an eternity in hell.

I want God to use me. To make a difference in someones life.

I want to be ok with whatever God has for me. Even if it seems like it is killing me. Even if while I am going through it I am afflicted and perplexed and persecuted and struck down. For I KNOW I will not be crushed or driven to despair or forsaken or destroyed.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the spirit of love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law.

And that my friends.....is life and peace.