The post I didn't want to ever write.....

I have written this post 100 times over and over again in my head. But it never sounds right. It never seems to give her due justice.

You see, almost 2 months ago, I lost my dear friend. It was all so sudden. The last time I talked with her, I knew she wasn't feeling well, but she was so excited bc Jason was going to go visit her. And she knew that would lift her spirits. 2 weeks later she was home from Arizona and a week later she was dead.

Dead.

After I heard the news that things were bad.....nothing in the world could have prepared me for when I walked into that hospital room. Gone was my vivacious, fun-loving friend. But instead......a very sick and dieing woman lay. Even still, on her death bed, she was filled with such peace. I think she knew that she would be meeting her Savior, and while she was sad that she was leaving her friends and family, she was meeting JESUS.

I remember the last real time I saw her. I took her to her chemo appointment, and was able to spend the day with her. She slept most of the time, and that was ok with me. It was nice to just be with her. To know that my presence was a source of comfort to her.

We laughed about the book I was reading. We cried over the situation that she was facing. We shared our hearts. You see, that's what we did.

I met Lori, goodness......7 - 8 years ago now?? Wow. We worked together for 6 years. 6 good years. In that time, we coached volleyball together, we coached cheer leading together, we watched each other grow to love God and our husbands more and more.

Lori taught me to LoVe coffee. She always had her coffee mug with her.

She taught me to love JH kids. She really did love that age group. So many people see that age group as an annoyance and almost they are another species....but she had a genuine heart for them. She treated them each with dignity and respect. And those kids KNEW she loved them.

She tried to teach me to love sushi. It didn't work. ;)

She taught me to love hats and scarves.

She taught me to love antiquing.

She taught me that kindness matters.

She was a classy woman. She loved everything feminine. Little earings and trinkets and broaches. She loved bracelets......she loved feeling like a woman. She taught me to embrace that.

We talked so much about God and what he was doing in our lives. We would talk about our frustrations and our struggles.

She new my desperate struggle to have a baby. You see she could relate to it. She knew and could FEEL my pain. She was the 1st person I told when I was pregnant with Emma. How we cried and rejoiced. Even though she knew at that point that she would never have a child of her very own, she rejoiced with me. And I wept for her.

We would spend hours talking about nothing and everything. Sometimes Jason would come and just sit with us. And sometimes, it was just the 2 of us. What precious memories those are to me.

How do you say goodbye to your friend?

Sometimes....I want to yell and scream bc she can't possibly be gone. I just want to talk to her one more time. So many times I will catch myself reaching for my phone bc I know she will find humor in....whatever.....

But then I remember.....

How do you say it?

I remember walking into her hospital room, knowing that without God himself intervening on her behalf she would soon be gone. How do I face her precious husband....who was her very world......and offer comfort when I myself am searching for comfort? But with Jesus on my lips and prayer in my heart, I walked in, and faced my goodbye......but not quite a goodbye.....for you see......I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I WILL see her again. For she is a child of the KING. She accepted him as her personal savior and because of that I will get to spend eternity with her.

Her legacy is one of strong faith, and a willingness to accept whatever God had for her here on earth. She never ONCE in my presence complained about her circumstances. And she had HARD days. But she was the face of grace. Calmly knowing that Gods strength was her strength.

I picture her now.....cheering us on. Looking down on us....her loved ones.....and just cheering us on. Saying You can do this life. I know this situation seems hard.....but you will make it. That God's strength will be your strength.

I think of my Lori each and every day. She is rarely far from my mind. I think of Jason and the loss and heartache that he is surely facing. I pray for him daily. That he knows Gods presence and comfort in these months and years to come.

It's not goodbye......

It's I'll see you later friend.

 CaNcEr SuCks

Life and Peace

Hello there.

Has anyone else noticed how silent my blog has been? I have noticed, but have ignored it.

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, its well.....I didn't know how to say it or where to even begin. How to even describe what is going on in my head and my heart.

So I was silent.

And I still don't quite know if I will get the words right, or if at the end of this it will be anything even remotely to what I wanted to try and say.....

But here goes.

God.

A 3 letter word that means......so much.

And this God, has been wiping the old away in my life. He has been truly killing the old self, and molding me into something completely different. Something completely new. And with all humbleness, hopefully something more like him.

I feel like that tiny little seed that has been buried in the ground and then slowly, finally after a long winter, there is a little bit of green popping up. And it has turned from a tiny little seed into something new, something fresh.

My verse that I have clung to is this:

2 Corinthians 4: 7-8

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

This summer has been a summer of affliction. It seemed we were hit on all sides,  one thing after another. At one point, I didn't even know if I could lift my head. I have been perplexed, and I have been struck down. But God in his graciousness taught me that He was the lifter of my head. He was my strength.

Psalm 3:3  But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

I can't tell you exactly how, but through prayer, and BEGGING God to.........to show himself, to teach me.....to pour his love onto me......somehow.....He did.

I think through all this.....stuff......God has wanted one thing from me.

To die daily to myself.

And it has been death to get me to that point.

I have spent many many phone conversations, texts and emails with my dear dear friends talking this thing out.....

what it means to die to oneself so that God may be gloried in you.

I STRUGGLED.....with this......

Romans 8:5-6

For those who live according to flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the spirit set their minds on the things of the spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

To set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

Don't we all want life and peace????

This summer.....was not life and peace.

I wanted none of it. I would have chosen not ONE thing this summer to have to go through.

This summer was death and war.

But the bible says.....to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.

I wanted.....no I want.....life and peace.

But more then even that, I want to be led by the Spirit.

God certainly has a sense of humor.

Everywhere I have turned these past months, I have been bombarded with.....dieing to self......so that Christ may be magnified. To say YES.....to whatever God has for me. To be available. To be an ambassador for Christ. (I just started a new bible study at church and it is called.....what happens when woman say yes to God. Yes. I believe God is trying to tell me something.)

I don't know what He wants from me. There isn't a huge sign saying......Julie, this is what you are to do with the rest of your life. But for now....I think he just wants to know if I am willing.

I still don't necessarily have an answer about how living in the spirit is life and peace.

I ran across this quote in a bible study I did this summer.....

I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned....are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty?

Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter....A quiet heart is content with what God gives. ~ Elisabeth Elliot, Keep a Quiet Heart

Love it.

A quiet heart is content with what God gives.

Good or bad.

Death or War.

I will be content.

This is what I know......

That I want to follow hard after God.

That I want to have a relationship with the God of the universe. The God who loves me and knows me by name. That the God of the universe, is the lifter of my head and the one who sings over his children.

I know that I want to have a heart that says Yes to Him. That I will see those around me and be burdened that they may lost and spending an eternity in hell.

I want God to use me. To make a difference in someones life.

I want to be ok with whatever God has for me. Even if it seems like it is killing me. Even if while I am going through it I am afflicted and perplexed and persecuted and struck down. For I KNOW I will not be crushed or driven to despair or forsaken or destroyed.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the spirit of love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law.

And that my friends.....is life and peace.

Emma's play date

On Sunday, Jared came over to help get our vehicle running. And I was able to babysit Madolyn for a little bit.

Emma was very excited. She refused to take her nap bc she heard her "baby" in the living room. 

So outside we went for a little swimming. 

Madolyn was a little nervous at first but as soon as we put the chair in the pool she was in heaven.

The girls are so fun to watch. It's cool to see the personalities of each and to see the similarities and differences of them. 

But I look forward to them growing up as best friends.

Emma girl loves her water and was in heaven jumping and splashing and getting everyone wet.

Madolyn loved getting water splashed on her tummy. At first I thought she was afraid but quickly realized she was squealing out of delight.

Soon it was snack time.

And what play date isn't complete without a nap?? 

After snack time I quickly decided it was time for nap. The girls slept for about an hour and by that time Melissa was back and Jared and Jeremy were done with the car. 

What a good day. The only sad part of the day was when I broke my sun tea pitcher. Thankfully Maddie was there to help keep the girls out of the glass. 

A wedding

In may we celebrated a beautiful wedding of Jeremy's brother Jeff. His bride is a beautiful woman inside and out. She completes him in every way possible. I am so very happy for them both. 

I don't have very many pictures from the day as I was busy running around after the adorable little flower girl. 

But I do have a couple from my phone. 

This one might be my favorite on from the whole weekend. 

It is just so precious to me.

The ceremony. 

Was intimate and from the heart.

The ring bearer and flower girl..... ( my favorite. ) terrible picture, but it's what I have. :/

My groom and me. He is my heart. 

The only family picture I have. Again.... Terrible.... Nathan had already " undressed" and was running around with his cousins. We had to corral him into taking a picture lol. 

Things I have learned today...

Emma loves to play in the mud.

Emma loves to eat the said mud.

Emma loves to play with the hose.

Emma loves to drink the water from the hose and then spit it out.

Emma loves her bath. 

I love pallets.

I love pallet projects.

Jeremy thinks I am nuts.

Jeremy humors me.

After pallet project is done, Jeremy kinda likes pallet projects.

I don't mind mowing the lawn. 

I do however mind putting oil in the lawn mower.

White smoke is indicative of no oil in the mower. 

There is a fill line on the dipstick of the oil compartment on the mower. 

You are not supposed to fill the oil past the fill line. 

Lesson learned..... Let Jeremy check the oil. 

I love grilled chicken marinated in Italian dressing. 

I love potatoes cooked on the grill.

Gettin Ready

I've been thinking lately.

Dangerous I know,

But still, I have.

I was thinking about Emma.

Emma wakes up early in the morning. She wants a bottle and then she will fall back to sleep for another couple hours.

I hear her stirring.

I hear her start to whimper.

She starts to cry with this pathetic little desperate cry. Like no one can hear her, like no one cares.

But you see I do hear. Almost as soon as I hear her stirring, I get up and start getting ready her bottle.

Sometimes, I have to wash one out.

I have to prepare the bottle, and wait for it it to heat up. It takes time to get it ready.

While I am in the kitchen getting things ready, it doesn't mean that I don't hear her.  I do hear her. I want to tell her that it will be ok. That I am working on it. That I am coming, that I am just getting it ready, but b/c she is whining and crying she isn't able to hear my voice.

I wonder if that is how God is. He hears us.

He hears us when we start to whimper.

He hears us when we wail and moan before him.

I wonder what He is trying to speak over us. What we aren't hearing b/c we aren't still and quiet. What we miss when we are crying our desperate little cry, that cry like no one can hear us and like no one cares.

So many of my dear friends are walking through tough times.

 real trials.

Trials where the only one that can bring help is God himself.

My heart aches for them. truly. I spent so much time through out the day praying for Gods intervention.


I know the burden that can be so heavy at times that you feel like you can barely stand under the pressure. Dear one, cry to Jesus. HE is big enough, strong enough to carry the weight of it.

With Emma once the bottle is done, then I go to her. I scoop her up, I sing songs and words of comfort and love over her. Once she is calm, once she is ready, then I can give her her bottle. The thing her heart has desired.

Yes, I wonder if that is how God is.

I think He desires us to be still. And when we aren't, he will come and pick us up, he will sing songs of comfort and love over us.

How?? I can't really explain. Other then a stillness in my soul, and quietness in my heart.

And once we are calm, once we are still, then He will give us what our soul longs for.

Whether it's rest, or healing, or peace, whatever it is, God in his goodness will give it.

Sometimes He's in the kitchen....gettin ready

Sometimes He's picking us up and sing songs over us

And sometimes.....He is pouring out his blessing.

His blessing to me this morning:

A quietness of the soul. A KNOWING that he was speaking to me.

I read Joel 2 this morning. What beautiful verses.

Joel 2:19 - The Lord replied to them: I am sending you grain, new wine and olive oil, enough to satisfy you fully; never again will I make you an object of scorn to the nations.

21 - Surely he has done great things! Do not be afraid, land of Judah; be glad and rejoice. Surely the Lord has done great things!

25a - I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten

26 - you will have plenty to eat, until you are full. And you will praise the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.

A "through" kinda faith......

I have been thinking for some time about testimonies. You know the kind.....sitting in church and either there is an evening set apart for singing and testimonies or just a song sung on a random night with a couple testimonies thrown in here and there. I am in no way making fun of testimony time. I think its good to proclaim the things that God does in our life. What has me thinking lately is that most testimonies only tell the good things. The times God has "come through" The times the healing has come, the marriage has been saved,  the time the bill has been paid.....you know....those things that PROVE that God is good to his people. My question is......what about the times when the money doesn't come in to pay the bill? what about the times when you get a call from the doctor and they say the cancer is back? what about the times your children have no desire to follow Christ? When the marriage looks like there is no hope to it. When the one thing that you want more then anything never comes to fruition? When your wife is laying sick and all you want to do it heal her, help her, comfort her.

What then? Where is that testimony? Is God not good even then? Why do we only share the good things?

I have said so many times in the past year or two how GOOD God is. I noticed that it has usually been in "good" times. We are in a season where it isn't so good. Does that mean that God isn't here?

So here is my testimony.

We are in a hard place. A hard season. A season of not knowing, of insecurity, of waiting, and yes, even of fear. I lay awake at night and have conversations with God. While I'm talking with God, Satan is in my ear, telling me lie after lie. And man is he good. He knows just what to say to have me doubting. Doubting the goodness of God, doubting the believability of God,  which when I doubt that, I begin to doubt everything about Him. That God isn't here, that God doesn't see, that God doesn't care, that if God cared, he wouldn't allow.

I wake up feeling defeated and weak, knowing that I can not handle one more day.

What I need is a "through" kinda faith. What I want is a "through" kinda faith.

Hebrews 11:33 - 34 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice,  and gained what was promised; who shut the mouth of lions, quenched the fury of the flames and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed back foreign armies.

I want the kind of faith that I need to get me through something, not around it. It takes more faith to be delivered through something then from it. The "through" is hard. The "through" is painful. The "through"is when you want to quit bc you feel like you can't take another thing.

God desires to turn a weakness into a strength. The muscle that is strengthening in this weakness is what God is after. He's not out to change our circumstances, He's out to change me. He wants to turn weaklings into warriors and that only happens in the "through."

1 Peter 5:8 Be alert, be soberminded. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

My desire is to shut the mouth of the lion. When he is sitting in my ear and telling me all kinds of lies, I need to know that he is already defeated. Yes, Satan knows that God is believable. That is why he does everything in his power to discourage us. To make us doubt.

Yes, I am in a hard season. A season of uncertainty. But I am so thankful that the God that I serve is believable. I do serve a GOOD God. Even in the hardness of life, in the not fun times, in the scary places, I want the "through" faith. The faith to know that I will get to the other side a stronger person, a person who's muscles may have been stretched but they are stronger in the stretching.

You see, I think my job is to remain. To remain attached to the one true vine. Attached to the words he has for me today. To not get myself all tied up into knots and in a dither about the... What could happen and the what if's. I just need to be still and remain.

Nothing caught God by surprise, nothing caught him off guard. If he has brought me to this.... Then he will bring me through it. There is good that will come from it.

May God give me the strength to remain faithful to him. To not let the fear consume me and make me pull back. Right now it would be a whole lot easier to pull back and say it isn't worth it. We were better off when we didn't do this or when we weren't in this season. But I want to be found faithful in the through. In the testing.

Hebrews 11:1 ~ Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

I do not see an answer.

I do not see, I do not see, I do not see.

Hebrews 11 :27b ~ he persevered because he saw him who was invisible.

But I DO see a God who loves me. A God who has my best interest on his heart.

What is your testimony? Please.. What IS your testimony??

( I am so thankful for my bible study. I'm telling you, it continues to amaze me how God has lined up the lessons with exactly what I need. )