Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story....

I sit here with trepidation at even broaching this topic on my blog. I have tried to ignore it. To squash it. But the thought keeps coming back..... blog it. Blog it. BLOG IT. Until I can no longer ignore it or squash it. So here I sit. Not knowing where to start, or what to say.

Psalm 107:2 - Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story

So here's my story......

Redeemed. Bought back.

I finally get it.

I have been redeemed.

I can finally wear that name with pride, for it is printed across my heart and soul.

Because Jesus brought me back from the dead or the dying.

I have been saved since I was 17. That is when I was adopted into Christ's family. I know it. I knew that night at summer camp that if I died, I would go to heaven.

And that was enough for a while.

I wanted a relationship with Christ.... I would try to read my bible and pray. We went to church. When we were supposed to, Sunday School, Sunday Morning, Sunday Night, Wednesday Night, Special services. We were there, active, doing what we thought, following the list of rules..... ha..... trying to follow the list of rules. But I never could live up to them. If I didn't follow the "woman's dress code", I wasn't good enough, couldn't serve.  If we missed a service. We weren't good. If we didn't tithe....enough.... we weren't good.

I was sick of not being good enough. I have felt that way my whole life. Not good enough. I had a youth pastor and his wife, youth leaders, Sunday school teachers, and more tell me I wasn't good enough. Maybe not always with words. But with the contemptuous attitude they gave me.

I was always just given a list of rules to follow and that is how I would be considered good. It's not a written list. But you know you are being judged for....everything. You can tell it in looks, and comments. Some people wear their disapproval right on their faces for all the world to see. (On a side note, I have learned it isn't always about me they disapprove of. They themselves are empty and hollow. Wanting more, needing more, then a religion. They need that relationship with Christ but don't even know it. I am not talking about the unsaved here. I am talking about faithful church people who think it's enough to fill a pew Sunday morning and throw some money in a plate as it passes by but who have never really known what it is like to truly and honestly have a relationship with the One True God. With not only the Savior of the world, but the Savior of their very soul. Who died on the cross for their sins. I think our Sunday pews are full of people who only see God in the box that we have put him in.)

 I was empty. I was searching for something. For more.

About 7 or 8 years ago, I felt this need to find the more.

I was sick of searching in the places that should lead me to Christ and that is the very place that would leave me feeling emptier and emptier. I remember so vividly leaving services in tears and fighting anger b/c all I wanted was to know who God was and know Him more. And all I got was don't do this and don't do that. It was all about the end times are coming and you gotta be ready. Do I believe Christ will return for his children? ABSOLUTELY. But I need help in living in the today. Not in the tomorrow. And tell me, where could I go to talk about these feelings? Would anyone even get how we felt?

So I went to God,  started digging into my bible. I am an avid journaler and I would right down all my questions.

Someone gave Beth Moore bible study called Breaking Free. I didn't do it with the video series but I so enjoyed going through the work book.

It was the start of this journey that I am on that I never. And I mean EVER want to get off of.

It was the 1st time that I really studied the bible and understood what it meant. I was rejoicing in my God and what he was doing in my life.

I could feel this change in me. But couldn't really voice what was happening. I wanted to shout how good God was. But my voice was silent.

People still saw me for the not good enough that I was.

They saw this outside shell of what I was and never saw me for what Christ wanted me to be. Gave me no hope of over being more.

But I felt different. Knew that something was changing on the inside.

I did that Bible study at 2 different times in those years and got different things out of it. I loved how close it brought me to God and what I learned.

I always wanted to be involved in an actual in depth study of God's word. But there weren't any available.

After Emma was born, my friend told me that they were gonna be offering a Beth Moore bible study at their church. I hemmed and hawed at the idea bc my friend couldn't go. And I wouldn't know anyone.

But the idea of a bible study kept coming back to me, so one day after Christmas Break, I called the church to see when it started and if I could join and low and behold it started in an hour.

I booked it over there and made it...not late...with in an hour. With a 6 week old baby. That in itself was a miracle.

I was scared to death and didn't know a single living soul. But these woman were so warm and welcoming. And I was finally getting what this relationship with my Savior meant. He simply wanted the broken thing of me. He wanted my heart, each and every day. Not once I achieved a list of unspoken rules and regulations. Not once I looked a certain way. He simply wanted me to come to him as that broken hurting woman that I was.

And I knew I was home.

Let the redeemed of the Lord share their story.

J and I had been struggling at church for a couple years. Kinda wanting to leave but never feeling like it was quite right. So we took it to God. We told him our desires and asked him to show us what he wanted.

And he did.

After a little struggle with God about where we felt He wanted us. We finally had peace about it. Our families didn't, and boy did we hear how we were stepping of the deep end..... did you hear where THEY are going now??? Do you know what that church PREACHES??? Do you know what they believe?? Do you know what kind of music they listen to?? And the women.... have you seen them? I could go on and on and on.

But I am so thankful. So very thankful for the peace that God gives his children when they seek his will for their life. It doesn't always make sense to those looking on but it is always. Always right.

I still attend the Women's Bible study. It is one of my very favorite things in the world. Ironically, isn't it funny how God's timing is never ironic? We just finished up Breaking Free with Beth Moore. I have loved studying it with other women who truly want to know what it means to love and serve God.

These woman know my heart. They don't judge me. They only see what God is trying to make me into. Here I don't have to follow an unachievable set of rules. I only need to have my heart right before my maker. And I am being equipped in how to do that.

And finally......

By Gods unmerited favor...which is the grace of God, I know what it means to be redeemed, bc I know how broken I was before. I know what it means to be sanctified, for I have been set apart and am being made....holy...before God.

And,I know that I know that I know..... that I am new. I am redeemed and I can wear that name proudly.

Psalm 107: 4-8 Some wandered in desert wastelands,
    finding no way to a city where they could settle.
 They were hungry and thirsty,
    and their lives ebbed away.
 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
 He led them by a straight way
    to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he satisfies the thirsty
    and fills the hungry with good things

I remember reading these verses years ago and thought then how that described us. I felt we were wandering in a desert wasteland, not having a city where we could settle. We were spiritually starving and our life was ebbing away. I did cry out to God. And in his mercy, he delivered us from our distress.

In my Bible reading recently God led me to these verses again. And I wept. Because he answered the groanings of our heart. He led us by a straight way. He led us to a place where we could settle.

I will give thanks.

So this is my story. The one that isn't over yet. It is written from my perspective. I do not in any way shape or form mean to hurt anyone's feelings or to knock other churches. I know that God uses all things to work together for his good. All things. Before you judge this post and tear it apart piece by piece, hear my heart, and rejoice with me for what God has done in our life.

I would like to give a shout out to my mom. She has listened to me in frustration and anger. She has been my champion prayer warrior. She has heard my heart and have watched me grow over the years. She was always been there when I had a question or just needed to talk and share my fears. I have cherished each and every one of our talks. I appreciate your prayers for each of your kids, even though I know I am your favorite! ;) She has always challenged me to take every decision before the throne of God. To not move until he tells us to. Thank you.