An empty nest

So most of you know that we had a house guest for the past couple months. She is no longer living here. She moved out this past weekend. We have the kids rooms back in order. Dada is back in her room, and brother has his own room back. I spent most of Sat. cleaning out their closets and dresser drawers. (That was a job!!) It feels so good to have them back in their own places. Both of their rooms look so nice and clean. We even started an allowance for them. They get a quarter every day they keep their room clean.

Ever since Ashley moved out, I have noticed an emptyness in our house. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is that is missing. She wasn't part of our family, and she wasn't really here that much to make a huge difference. But it does feel a little emptier. I was talking to DH about it and I told him that it was about time we thought about another baby.

There are so many times that I really think that I would love to have another baby. I would love to be pregnant, I would love to nurse a baby again, I would love to sit and rock MY baby. There are just so many things that I would love about having a baby. I would love to see how my kids responded to me being pregnant and having a baby. I am sure that they would both adore it!!

But in thinking about it, I don't see how we can fathom it. I HAVE to work. I have to be at school to take care of Dada. I have to work at school to pay the kids tuition. I just don't see how having a baby would fit into that. I would really want to stay home with the baby like I did with the other kids.

And the other thing about having a baby is that as much as we fight it, babies grow up. Babies turn into toddlers, toddlers turn into kids, kids turn into teenagers.

Teenagers. Wow!! I have always told my friends that teenagers don't scare me. I told them that I couldn't wait till my kids got to be that old. But I think that I am changing my mind on that point of view. I have been able to see a lot of stuff this past year. Working with the volleyball and cheerleading was opened my eyes to a lot of things that happen. And quite frankly, I am more scared then ever before. I think that if I can keep the 2 kids that I have on the right track then I am doing good. But to be responsible for more. I just don't know.

Sometimes, I think that God gave me my kids when I was young and niave. When I didn't know what I was getting into, cuz if I knew what I was getting into I might not of had any. There is so much responsability in them. Having a baby is more then being pregnant, and cribs, and strollers, and diapers, and cute little clothes. It is so much more. Especially if you want them to turn out half way decent. I think that this is the reason that scares me so much from the idea of having a baby.

I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense to anybody but myself. But I just wanted to write what was in my heart, even if no one understands.